9 Signs the Person You’re Dating Is Emotionally Secure

They don’t personalize things

More frequently than you may want to believe, being easily offended is the subsequent expression of self-centeredness because it is the presumption that everything revolves around oneself.

Let’s say you are dating a secure person and had a discussion for which they needed some feedback, and that you forgot about it. They are unlikely to react to it since your actions or lack of them do not threaten their sense of self.

Interestingly, they may get excited and crave feedback or a call from you. But, if you don’t, it won’t disempower them for a simple reason: your behavior does not trigger any emotional injury resulting in putting them in an exceedingly protective state of mind.

They are beautifully connected to their feelings

They are aware of what they feel with precision; hence, can communicate it effectively. They tend to be willing to provide things with an opportunity to change.

In other words, they can share their needs more than once and send gentle reminders, whereas invariably keeping in mind that you are as imperfect as they are.

The fact that they don’t have multiple wounds that could be triggered whenever you forget about what they asked for gives them room to remind you without this causing them to suffer.

They feel safe to be vulnerable

Their subconscious program is wired healthily and tells them, “I deserve to be seen, understood, and validated”. That makes it easy for them to express needs and feelings and to open up in a completely transparent way.

As counterintuitive as it may sound, vulnerability comes from a place of self-love. It takes the highest levels of internal security and character strength.

People who are unable of being emotionally exposed struggle with rejection and are extremely afraid of being mocked — even worse, taken advantage of. Their inability to apologize is a by-product of the same fear. If they apologize at all, it is usually quick and shallow.

They tend to show emotional maturity in conflicts and arguments

They are not easily triggered. They are self-aware. There is a space between the stimulus and their response. Should you be interested, I explored the topic in detail here.

They are tuned to the person with whom they are interacting, hypervigilant, and present. They can actively listen, understand, and empathize with others’ perspectives because their pain isn’t consuming them.

Instead of listening to respond, we listen to understand. Instead of listening to the words, we listen to the body language and emotions. Instead of listening with the ears, we listen with the heart.

 

Empathizing with others’ perspectives does not mean, “Oh I see that you’re in pain, and I feel guilty because of it”. Instead, it’s like, “Oh I can see why when I make that comment, you would feel misunderstood or afraid!”. It’s really like putting a cause-and-effect logic without personalizing it.

They have emotional boundaries and honor them

A fundamental step in learning to love thyself is to respect thyself, that is building one’s emotional healthy boundaries and honoring them. They are the boundaries that they choose and communicate transparently and gently.

And if people show resistance and get mad at them because of their boundaries, then it is a red flag for them. Those people wouldn’t deserve a ticket to be invited into their sacred world.

People who would get pissed off of you building your healthy boundaries are the ones who were taking advantage of you having none. You wouldn’t lose them!

 

There is a lack of expectations from other people to mind-read

People belonging to the fearful-avoidant insecure attachment style tend to have such an expectation because they had to adapt to their environment.

They needed to become hypervigilant about their circumstances and super attuned to others in the hope of getting their needs met or at least feeling safe.

Secure people tend not to project this kind of mind-reading expectations from people even if they’re good at reading the body language and have developed critical thinking skills. They prefer direct communication!

They lack the willingness to hang out with toxic people

Unlike insecure people, they have a strong self-identity, a sense of purpose, a direction, a sort of balance between the four dimensions of their life — intellectual, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

They are not willing to destroy all of this with toxic relationships that can merely drain their energy and add no plus-value to them and their life fueled by meaning.

They can apologize and forgive more easily

It is possible and effortless for secure people because they don’t have a correlated wound or some control/power fear (like all individuals with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder do, for instance).

The insecure attachments styles are afraid of forgiving because they don’t trust themselves enough to set boundaries. For those of them who have been in a relationship with an abuser, chances are high they have been forgiving their perpetrator more than they could ever wish.

Two reasons might explain why they don’t seem to control it despite being mistreated and betrayed all over again: 1. abusers master the art of manipulation, 2. victims are codependent; hence, stuck in their denial vicious circle.

They don’t use relationships to fill any void

Secure people think of relationships as a healthy and energetic exchange. They don’t look for a partner to complete them. Their heart is full of love; their mind is so rich they never feel bored. Nonetheless, their soul is always extendable to welcome more energy and connections.

Secure people have healthy expectations from any relationship, be it family, life partnership, or friends. They need to be seen, recognized, encouraged, challenged, celebrated.

They need free acts of kindness and generosity, the roles in the relationship to be clarified, people to keep their promises and apologize quickly and sincerely whenever screwing things up — as we all do anyway.

Last thoughts

If you are dating a secure person and that you are not done with your inner work yet, let them know about it and make real efforts to evolve because they are worth it and that you don’t want to let them go.

If they are able to witness your real investment in building trust, they would be patient and you would be a lucky person!