Don’t Confuse Being Nice With Being Good

 

Photo by Sven Fischer on Unsplash

I am a huge believer in genuine and free acts of kindness. I know how powerful they are, how soul-soothing they can be — sometimes even life-changing. 

What I can’t stand and will never do, though, is defending abusers in the name of kindness. Part of the reason why narcissists and other toxic people continue saying inappropriate words and doing BS is that:

• They don’t care if they hurt you. They lack empathy, by definition.
• They never face consequences and are held accountable for their acts.
• There are always some enablers who would find a way to make them look good, and minimize their behavior!

Let’s imagine for a moment that a narcissist is gaslighting a group of individuals in front of you. Some people start standing for themselves.

I stop them and say, “Come on guys; I know him; can we just find a kinder way to manage the misunderstanding?”

Does my behavior make me a good person? Absolutely not. It makes me an unconscious flying monkey. I am even worse than the villain themselves.

How come? Well, simply put, I took the perpetrator’s side making the victims feel doubly hurt: the first time when being gaslighted, and the second time when their emotions were invalidated by me.

Dear inherently good folks: I am aware this is not how you want to be remembered. I hope you will give it a serious thought before unconsciously enabling abusers to inflict more harm on innocent people!

***Gaslight: making a person doubt their reality.

***Flying monkey: a term used in popular psychology, mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse, to describe people who act on behalf of a narcissist towards a third party, usually for an abusive purpose.