Standing for Yourself Against Toxic People Is Sometimes a Must

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

A few days ago, I shared this article in which I explained it was not worth it to waste time on a stranger who is being openly cruel to you.

Today, I am partially reviewing my thoughts and adding, “it depends on the context and the message you are willing to vehiculate through your reaction!”

My misadventure with the deli section responsible

I needed some chicken drumsticks. I went to the supermarket and was wearing a strapless dress.

I said, “hi”. The guy fixed me. His facial expression was answering, “Where do you think you are? Did you forget your clothes at home?” Don’t be shocked; this kind of conservative people still exists. It lasted for 3 seconds.

I smiled before adding: “Is everything alright, sir? He pretended not to hear me. I insisted, repeated my question, specified that I said “hi”, and that I knew he heard me. And even if he didn’t, he looked into my eyes, and he owed me some respect through saying “hello”.

The guy stammered and said a compelling “hello”. When I finished my shopping, I greeted him politely but firmly. He answers with a ‘bye’ obediently.

Moral of the story: Don’t get intimidated by rude people. If he gave himself the right to do so, the chances are high that he was successful in the past. Nobody has the right to judge you, label you, or give you lessons explicitly or subtly.

If you are not hurting anyone, own all your life choices and be proud of who you are, no matter what. Problems occur when you are afraid. Liberate yourself from the social lens and your life-time of conditioning.

When you center your life around the universal principles, fear will not have access to you anymore. And always remember: You are the one showing people how to treat you!

Defending abused individuals or adding more harm?

Part of the reason why narcissists and other toxic human beings continue saying inappropriate words and doing gross actions is that:

• They don’t care if they hurt you. They lack empathy by definition.
• They never face any consequence and are held accountable for their acts.

There are always some enablers who would find a way to make them look good and minimize their behavior.

Let’s imagine for a moment that a narcissist is gaslighting a group of individuals. Some people start standing for themselves.

I stop them and say, “Come on guys! I know him very well; he didn’t mean that. Can we maybe find a kinder way to manage the misunderstanding?”

Does this make me a nice person? No. It makes me a flying monkey. I am even worse than the villain. How come?

I took the perpetrator’s side; hence, making the victims feel doubly hurt: the first time when being gaslighted, and the second time when their emotions were invalidated by me.

***Gaslighting: making people doubt their reality. / Flying monkeys: people who act on behalf of a narcissist towards a third party, usually for an abusive purpose (e.g. a smear campaign).

The story below happened in real life and was captured by a camera:

The woman responsible for cleaning in a company takes the elevator. She is carrying her work equipment. A man uses his leg and cruelly pushes her outside the elevator.

Another guy from behind does the same thing to him. The abuser is rageful and wants to take his revenge. Unluckily for him, he notices there are three more guys ready to participate in the confrontation.

Since abusers are cowards despite the image that they try their best to sell to the world, he decides to back off!

The question is: how would you like to be remembered? As a person who stands for the right thing — defending those who suffer injustice in front of your eyes, or who contributes to making an abused person feel more pain?

Final thoughts

By standing for yourself firmly when a stranger is rude to you, two outcomes would emerge from it: 1. You show them how to treat you the next time your paths might converge, 2. You make the ill-mannered individual think twice in the future; thus, implicitly helping someone else who could have been their next victim.

Many flying monkeys are kind souls who would never intend to make you suffer. Sadly, their lack of knowledge about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its numerous strategies is responsible for their behavior.

If you have some of them in your close circle — be it family, or workplace, or friends — let them go even when you care about them. It is unlikely that they start seeing the truth, given narcissists are pathological liars and masters in distorting facts and manipulating. Moreover, what helps abusers is how strong the denial coping mechanism of the flying monkeys is.

Know that you are worthy of being in a relationship with a person who makes the effort to see you, validates your feelings, and has your back in times of crisis and need instead of standing by the side of the abuser. If it is not the case, then you better give yourself a big hug and move on with your life without them.

While love is a pure emotion you can give to anyone and anything, a relationship needs to be deserved.