What Does It Take to Be an Active Listener?

Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”

― M. Scott Peck

Who are the worst listeners and what is their impact?

Most people listen with their ears. They listen to the words. They listen only to respond. The worst listeners of all are those who are not even able to let you finish a sentence and who interrupt you to say nothing valuable.

Those are the most anxious individuals. Sadly, they don’t know better. They are constantly operating on auto-pilot. Their self-awareness endowment is, unfortunately, almost shut-down.

No matter how many times you tell them how annoying their behavior is, it doesn’t matter. They are too self-centered to remember your concern or explicit request.

Interestingly, they can’t even understand the damage they are generating. Which damage? Well, when you are being interrupted every single time you try to formulate a sentence — especially when you feel overwhelmed and that you merely needed to open up to someone, you are left with no psychological air.

Have you ever felt drained and regretted your trial to share something with a close person and openly express your feelings? If the answer is yes, then you might have been in the presence of the kind of toxic people introduced above.

The truth you need to accept is that those individuals would never be able to honor your feelings and provide you with their undivided attention. They are too selfish for such an act of genuine and generous giving.

Bear in mind this type of toxic people who are the worst listeners is benign. The second kind is pathologic. People diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), for instance, are unlikely to listen without interrupting for a simple reason: they are the favorite topic of their conversations.

Ironically, narcissists who are known for being the most brilliant manipulators master the art of fake active listening in the love-bombing phase, among many other strategies they use to make you believe they are a good fit for you.

Malignant narcissists, who experience low levels of distress, are almost disconnected from their conscience, and who would shamelessly feed on your suffering might continue the fake active listening tactic even after the initial phase. Result? They never stop confusing you and making you doubt your judgment.

Don’t get trapped into their game. Educate yourself around the topic before those abusers can get to you and make you lose your sanity, especially if you belong to the five profiles described as narcissists magnets: 1. Overly empathic people, 2. Rescuers, 3. Overly positive people, 4. Forgivers, 5. Children of narcissistic parents.

Because I am aware NPD is still a freshly discussed topic and that many people tend to think of narcissists as openly grandiose, aggressive, and mean individuals, I took care of initiating the different types here, should you be interested.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, be aware that you are partially responsible. How? You granted the person your trust for free. Active listening is one of the foundations of building trust. Consequently, healthy relationships. I explored the topic in detail here.

 Are unaware empaths good active listeners?

What is ‘active listening’? It’s not only listening to the words, but also to the body language and emotions. It’s not only listening with the ears, but also with the heart and soul.

A legitimate question might be, “why is that so difficult to listen actively?” Because, in the quality of human beings who are still struggling with loving ourselves, we are wired to seek first to be understood.

Why? Our insecurities are pushing us to prove that we matter, given our intrinsic worth was discriminated against by our caregivers. They also make us believe that our opinion deserves to be heard at the expense of others, that our feelings are more important and our needs more valuable.

Unaware empaths can listen empathetically. They are not the most effective active listeners, though. How come? Because, as an unaware empath who is still diving into life with deep emotional scars, unprocessed feelings, and low self-esteem, we are compassionate enough to listen, but we have weak emotional boundaries.

More to the point, instead of supporting the person who is trying to speak their heart, we are merely able to absorb their energy and angst. Hence, we start feeling bad and become self-absorbed, resulting in an interruption of the pure connection.

What does it take to develop one’s active listening skills?

Some time ago, I accepted the challenge of answering the Proust Questionnaire. One of the questions was “7. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?”. My answer came as below: Re-writing the invasive subconscious program without hesitating!

So, why is rewiring your distorted subconscious program — through destroying your numerous limiting beliefs — that relevant at all when it comes to our context? Because when you do so, you make a crucial mindset shift which fuels your active listening capacity:

Seeking first to understand, then to be understood! — Stephen Covey

 

I need to be very honest with you and tell you this is not an overnight skill to acquire. The transformational adventure takes time and a few pre-requisites that you can find in the last section of this piece.

Actively listening is a skill that you progressively develop while you are in the process of unbecoming the filter and cleaning the dust of your life-time of conditioning. There will be failures along the way. Thus, make sure to be armed with self-compassion and gentleness.